Things just seem to pile on at a certain point. It is like when you are at a cookout and you say "Hey thanks, that was a great burger", then every time you visit you're eating burgers and you can only eat so many burgers.
It always starts small. I told you the story of my Giraffe figurine. That's where it started. "Yea, my dad got it for me on our trip, it's pretty cool huh" For the years following birthdays, Christmases, and anytime anyone went out of the country, I got a Giraffe figurine or related theme gift.
It was sweet. They were thinking of me. They felt confident that they knew what to get. At a certain point it gets a bit ridiculous.
I had thought over this moment for months. Sweat started to pearl at my temples sitting there at the table, how do I let them down easy? Stumbling on my words and unsure of what to say I fumbled till finally blurting, "I really don't get the Giraffes. It's really nice and all but no more nick nacks. I don't have anymore shelf space!" My eyes widened at I had finally allowed out. Sitting around the table everyone started laughing. I quickly switched from each person to the next, "what's going on?" "We didn't get it either but we thought 'Hey everyone's got something?'."
All this time thinking over what I was going to say and in the end... why? I have never been a timid person. You can ask pretty much anyone. Blunt is a good way to describe me. I think I learned a lesson that day. So much pain and struggle on my end at least could have been saved with simple honesty. Why is it then in my business, in my photography I am so concerned with what this person will say or if I'll step on this photographer's toes? You'd think with my blunt and transparent take on life that I would translate it to my work.
It is a struggle of mine. Not when I'm dealing with brides, nor when I'm behind the camera. There, behind the camera or in front, I feel at home. It is like and extension of me. It is a place where being playful and silly is not only okay or acceptable but it is down right fitting. Who wants a portrait like your one stop flash portrait of the Victorian days? I love seeing life in photos, capturing life that is happening now to make those photos happen. No, it is not then I struggle with this but with dealing with other photographers and with being me here.
So often I am unsure of what to post. I mean if you think about it everything you post online is permanent and public. Even in your private facebook groups, more often then not people can see what you have posted on the wall. They can see every down day you have and every time you post about your third bowl of ice cream in a day (okay, so that may just be me, but they were small bowls ;P). It makes you question if "you" being "yourself" is enough. "Maybe I should just keep that part to myself" or "no one needs to know that I can't stand _____"
And other photographers... well it is like going back to the first day of school in a new state. There are comrades to find but you feel all alone when walking through those crowds to find them. Honestly the few photographers I have taken the time to talk to, be myself and hear about them are great, wonderfully fun people. Each with their different take, their own art with a lens and eager to talk, show and do their art. So why is it that I am still so tentative?
You tell me? Cause it baffles me! I wake up each day with a resolve to be bold and not just in my personal life. What's your daily affirmation?